Phit-N-Phat...Making Fitness and Weightloss a Lifestyle

Nashville Women's Half Marathon DONE

The first big race of the fall is done and can I just say HILLS? I walked this race last year and remember talking to my friend Jennie that I just didn't see how Nashville could find a way to run you all up hill. I mean, Country Music is pretty hilly but they do a good job of finding flat areas to run.

NOT THIS RACE! You start out running up hill and some of it quite steep for the first five miles!!! There area a few times you go down a steep hill just to come up on another long butt climb. Then after mile five is gradual hills. For a bit you hit a part of town where it is flatter and then around 9 and 10 it's back to some hills.

The hardest part of the race is what they lovingly call "I WILL HILL" meaning you better will yourself up the bitch. It's a pedestrian bridge and it's long, looming, and covered with motivational signage because so many people are broken there. LOL.

The race is so well run I just wish they would use one of the other routes in our town. Not sure if my legs will do this one again. I've done over 20 races now and this the hardest.

So, here's my story. I got up and was ready to hit it. I've been looking forward to this race and had taken a couple of days off just to be fresh. My mood has been getting better and I think just getting into race season helped. It's been two years since I've run a half marathon. I've walked several but this was the kickoff to me running again.

I ate my breakfast: 3/4 cup of oats, egg whites, a few sunflower seeds and then a cup of coffee. Just a few sips of water because I drank a ton the day before and through the night. I didn't want to stop and pee during the race if possible.

We met up with some PNP girls, took pics, hugged, and then it was time to start. I tried to keep up with the 2:30 pace group. I GAVE UP that group at mile six. My butt was screaming from the hills by then and I decided I just wanted to finish strong and beat my old running time of 2:44. Anything under and I was happy.

 

And when I say screaming I mean my butt was on fire as if I had been doing heavy leg presses. That's how deep I was feeling those climbs.

For some reason I was never thirsty so I started taking some water at the stops after mile six. I had done two Clif Gels already. I caught up to Chris around mile six or seven and we played tag for a long time. He got ahead of me around ten and I was pretty much hitting some misery there. I kept pushing and had my last gel.

We do some more hills and come to about mile 11 and flattened out at the Titans' Stadium. My butt and hamstrings now were FRIED and so I walked/jogged backward for a bit to relieve them. When I turned around my hip flexors were nuts. I could see I Will Hill and a medical tent. For the first time I ever I thought about pulling out.

I decided to woman up and hit the hill. It was easier to squat low and go fast than to just walk. Never did I have cardio issues. In fact I never broke over 83%. It was my legs. As soon as I come off the hill I knew I would finish but it wouldn't be pretty. My legs were now cramping all up the backsides and buckling slightly. The muscles were just not dealing well with the situation. I "sprinted" and it was the saddest little limpy hobble you've ever seen. My mind and heart had a lot of gas but my legs just laughed at me.

I crossed the finish line and immediately bent over. It took all I had to make it to our meet spot. Chris wasn't there. I texted him. Somehow in both of our misery I had passed him and beat him by a minute and a half. Victory was sweet! That's 2-0 this year. I beat him handily at the Warrior Dash, too.

We started heading to the restaurant where we were having lunch with friends from PNP. I was in pain and started crying. I've never cried in pain at the end of a race. Once we got there, we changed our clothes, I took a bunch of Advil, drank water, coffee, and nibbled on some nachos. I didn't have an appetite. I also drank a Shakeology I had packed in my gear bag and within an hour I felt better. If I can't eat nachos then something is wrong!

My legs Sunday were very tired but I'm not sore like I thought I would be. I took a nap and prepped a bunch of food for the week. Today I am running four easy miles and doing some abs.

I learned a few things from this race:

1. I should've drank a little water at the start and ate a banana instead of having 3/4 cup of oats. I'll cut that to a 1/2.

2. Don't wait too long to walk through a few water stations. I was so wanting to run fast I didn't want to stop and I should have. I know better than this!

3. Gear checking clean clothes and Shakeology is the smartest thing I've ever done in my dang life. LOL. I was feeling fresh and having my precious frosty that I know helped me feel much better. Chris' post-race therapy is beer and nachos.

 

 
 

Weight and Therapy:
I didn't weigh today on purpose. Right now my plan is to hit the scale on Wednesday after some of the swelling is down. I ate really good last week but partied like a rock star Saturday. And I mean Saturday night Chris and I went out and had a really good time. Don't ask how I do those races and go dancing and such after.

I'm really working hard in therapy and with Chris on body image. It's tough to not feel pressure to look a certain way, live another way, and be known for your image and lifestyle. It sends a lot of mixed messages in my head. To be honest, there are days I wish I could fade out of the world and just worry about Corinne. Sounds strange but I never dreamed that being so raw in public would have such a strange double-edged sword. On one hand it helps others and myself with accountability; on the other hand it leads to feelings of guilt when I take a day off, eat up with the King, etc.

I'm working on this in therapy amongst other things. I think I have a lot of issues with drawing lines (boundaries) in all sorts of ways and being too driven. Chris laughed at me this weekend when I made a comment about being lazy and not driven enough. He said you ARE driven and you aren't LAZY. I guess what I feel is I am lazy in some areas of life because I'm gung-ho tunnel visioned in others.

So, balance still is on the table to things to work on. :)

Breaking Out of My Own Chaos

I will say I'm very good at making time for myself to pursue my interests and keep me sane. But what I'm not good at is balancing ME with my business and the world. For days I've wanted to blog. DAYS. I haven't had time to just sit and mind dump...I've been doing that all over the Phit-n-Phat boards.

If you haven't seen or heard, we're in the middle of our biggest CHALLENGE ever: In and Out the Gym. It's too late to enter but the teams are doing great and you can read what they are discussing and buy the training program. From all the talk of soreness it is pretty fabulous!

Today, though, was therapy day and between the low I feel after and being in hyper business mode I'm whipped. I told Chris this evening I just felt like I was running all day and yet I wasn't. On the inside things are going 90MPH all the time. In therapy I told her I don't rest. I don't. My mind just won't shut down and it's been years since I remember it actually not processing a to-do list, ideas, and what not.

And in therapy I broke down with her about this. Logan and I are probably a lot alike. I imagine how I feel on the inside (the racing thoughts, extreme creativity, and things moving super fast) probably is the way he feels. It's chaos but the difference is that I am good at handling it. I am fast, can optimize time like nobody's business, and super efficient or I wouldn't get all that I do done.

Not Logan. That's where I started BAWLING. He's trapped in this head noise like me but is in slow motion on the outside. It just scares the crap out of me that he might feel like this. I never wanted to pass this onto him, let alone, not give him the skills he needed to handle it.

Maybe I'm being dramatic...I'm sure I am. But this is my blog and I earned the right to be a diva committing to it.

The interesting thing about all of this is that I have watched myself change the last few months as I started realizing I got freaking issues! In the lifestyle department I've let small BLT's work their ugly way into the mix, my food prep is what I would call a minimalist does, my training is actually pretty good just not what I am used to (this means it's uncomfortable for me), and we eat out more than we ever have. Oh and I'm having wine with Chris 3-4 x's a week. How's that for a tarnished crown and total accountability?

One thing I do know is I shouldn't stress it weight wise. I ended up sneaking a scale addiction and I'm back to my comfy 145.6. But as always the number isn't what makes me happy. I'm just as boo-hoo here as I would be 4-5lbs up in weight.

What it does stress is that inviting a lot of "loosening of the belt" makes me feel more chaotic because I'm having to think about what I'm going to eat, what can I grab running out the door, and will this make me feel good tomorrow. I just don't think I need that right now. Although my choices have been fine it's the stress of dealing with all the choices wearing out my nerves!

The habits of organization, planning, execution, and knowing what you are doing each day is what produces a happy Corinne. When my course is mapped out I feel great and in the zone. Just like the goal setting for the year, month, week, and day have worked I want to get back to the same structure with what goes in my mouth. Besides, I'm working too hard with this running to be scrambling to fuel right and look tight!

When I return from Dayton Phat Camp this Sunday I will make a menu, do a nice food prep where each meal is cooked, and cut out the BLT's. I don't need to eat 6-8 meals of meat and greens. I'm not saying that at all. Frozen dinners can stay for emergencies. I'll have my Shakeology twice a day because it is easy, quick and good, make a plan that includes all the healthy eats for othe meals, but have a plan that is well executed. 

Right now I need my lifestyle more than ever. I need that reliability it gives me so that I conquer and work on the other more important things in life. My food just isn't that important. My son is. My husband is. All the PNP girls are important. I have plenty in my life that needs me at my best. And that's what I am working on...returning to what took me feeling my best. What a process this therapy is!

For workouts...I'm at the tail end of a lifting cycle. Next week will be my last week on a four day split very similar to the In and Out Challenge Program. That allowed me to workout at home most days. I'm thinking of starting Chalene Extreme or P90X to carry me through until the end of our half marathons in December. My main goal is the running and quality races. By using the videos I can save time working out at home, get in a good workout, and just keep the muscle I have. I am never going to add muscle running this much and eating maintenance level calories so it makes sense to do something fast and effective...most importantly something I don't have to plan. Man I miss having my own trainer! Tony was the best! But for now running is my passion. Bigger muscles have to wait.

Well, I'm off to a fitness camp this weekend with some lovely ladies at PNP. I always get very motivated at these things and I love sharing my life with them. I may not be perfect but through the ups and downs I do hope my struggles help you avoid a few tough times. It's worth sharing all of this imperfection if some of you know you aren't alone. :)

The Queen Is Busy

Today just updating y'all on me. This is my selfish Thursday blog entry. No big theme or a-ha; just a little mind dumping so enjoy it or pass on it.

I started my therapy. We're in week three and things are moving along. It's been rewarding to take the time to re-visit things I need to deal with at 37. Although most of my life is good I have several areas that just need work.

What I don't like about therapy is it is work. I go on Monday. Every Monday I'm hungry, sad, and tired. This is BEFORE the session. Afterward, I'm very tired, very sad, and drained. I guess it's the process of talking and verbalizing so many of the things I keep inside. When I put voice to that stuff it becomes real. Once it's real that means fixing it in my book.

I am learning a lot about myself. My standards are high with myself, others, and life. Right now I have to figure out how to make life fit in those standards and that might mean changes. And, I have to figure out those changes. 

Another issue with me is guilt. I can feel guilty over ANYTHING. If I enjoy myself, eat something different, have some wine, go a on trip, go to bed early, buy something, take a day or two off from working out, work only eight hours on PNP, whatever, I feel twinges to obsessive thoughts of GUILT. I'm not sure where that comes from either. But, if I had to nail one word that sort of describes why I am out of sorts these days it's probably feelings of guilt too often.

I have also figured out that I have a lot of work to do with my broken heart over Logan. That's the best way I can describe it. I feel like I ache for him a lot. Too much. That's not the relationship I want and I haven't been able to verbalize much of it. Each session we talk about other things that "bother" me and when it comes to Logan I breakdown instantly. I know that's going to be my rawest wound to heal.

With my body image and such...honestly, it's not great but I think it's a symptom of other things. I just can't see myself how I look to people. I only see the flaws, I see myself "naked" even in clothes, and six years after weightloss I still don't like getting too attached to the idea of being thin in case "it goes away." I know intellectually it won't. I work too hard and enjoy eating too healthy now, but in my emotional brain it's still living 30 years of being fat. 

So, that's therapy. It's proving to be beneficial. I feel good the day after. I've been a little more productive and I can tell that just doing SOMETHING is making a difference in how I feel even if we haven't done much. Just the effort it takes to show up is making a change...and a good change.

Now, onto food and exercise. Let me obssess a minute! I know it's why you read me!

This week I've really ate super good for a runner. If I was trying to compete I would think differently. The funny thing is I look about the same and feel better. My macros according to Loseit (and I don't track or plan those at all y'all) have fell in the range of 55-60% carbs, 25-30% protein, 10-20% fats. My typical food this week have been (and I didn't even make a hardcore menu - just prepped stuff I liked and went with the gut the rest of the time):

B: 3/4 cup of dry old fashioned oats cooked in water and 8 egg whites OR 2pcs of EZ toast and 8 egg whites 
     I found the toast and ew actually keep me full longer even though it's less calories.

S: Shakeology w/ 1/4 cup of dry oats or an apple

L: 4 oz flounder, 1 medium (4-6 oz) of sweet potato, 1 cup of cooked broc (roasted with Truvia, balsamic, and cinnamon), some baby carrots with dijon mustard for dipping

S: Apple and 1/4 cup of Pumpkin Seeds

S: Yogurt mixed with SF Jello before dinner

D: Stir Fry Veggies with some protein (sometimes chicken, pork chop or I mix a bunch of cottage cheese with SF pudding for dessert and have the veggies loaded on a big salad)

S: 8-10 oz of red wine most nights

S: 3rd apple of the day or 100 cal bag of popcorn and a Shakeology made with almond milk

You'll see I love apples. :) I'd rather have 3 apples than variety! My weight did go up this week to 147.6 which is two pounds over last week. I almost didn't weigh this morning because I woke up and felt tight and my tummy was looking about the best I've seen it in awhile. But, I knew I would blog so I did. Boo!

One - I worked hard yesterday. I had an hour of circuit training and coached cross country. I think I burned over 800 calories or something.

Two - I am sore in the legs and back. Two big muscle groups and they are pretty ripped today. That holds a lot of water.

Three - It was the King's Birthday and I promised my son that Momma would take him to Ruby Tuesday and we would have dessert. I just don't eat them but this is something I wanted to do for all three of us. Chris' birthday shouldn't be about my Friday weigh-in. Anyway, I had some wine (too much by the end of the night but it was worth it) and we got two desserts and shared them all. I ate slow but I'm not used to real sugar! Long story short I am sure all the sugar and wine filled up my muscles full of water. I'll probably pee like a crazy woman today and tomorrow.

Exercise wise:

3-4 runs a week
1-2 Whatever I feel like things (a video, long stretch, Core training, just what I feel like doing)
4 Strength Sessions: circuit style since I'm going to two Phat Camps and I gotta be ready.

Since I'm coaching cross-country this week I've combined two of my runs with XC. I get there 25 min. early and run the track, go grab my kids, and then run with them for another 1-2 miles.

One or two days off a week and just trying to do a wide mix of things. All I know is that whatever I'm doing is definitely igniting my soreness factor.

OK...jumbo long post. Hope you enjoyed it and got a little idea maybe about eating and such. Feel free to ask questions!

Weight Loss Therapy

A few weeks ago I shared I was going to start therapy again after a fifteen year layoff. Throughout my life, I've been in counseling or therapy for a variety of reasons: depression, divorced kids support groups, family counseling, etc.

I had some serious brushes with depression in my late teens. Unfortunately, my senior year of high school I attempted suicide and spent the final three weeks of my senior year in the hospital recovering.

To know me TODAY you wouldn't see a woman that has had such low periods in her life. I HOPE I present myself as a woman who has it together, is motivated, jovial, always got something clever to say, and just fun to be around. But as I sit here each day helping others feel good I have noticed a decline in my own happiness.

A month ago when I went to Camp Do More (Chalene Johnson's annual fitness retreat) she said something that stuck with me. She said we all need to get yearly check-ups from the head-up. If we take the time to see the doc about our teeth and va-jay-jay each year, we darn sure need to have a brain check, too!

She's right and I have felt for a long time my head needed dug around in again. I decided to see someone who specializes in Eating Disorders. It's not easy to be obese all your life. It's even harder to lose the weight and adjust to a new body. Then, add in becoming a trainer, coach, inspiration, and whatever and you have pressure to look good, act good, and next thing you know your whole life is about the "weight loss". This doesn't even take into consideration the three years of figure competing and the whole bunch of mental challenges that stem from that. 

Let's just say that I know how to coach people, I know all the right things to get people feeling a lifestyle, and I have to hang onto mine way too hard. I don't want my lifestyle to be such a planned event. It's time I see someone. I need to make sense of my body image and what it's like to live without huge fitness/weightloss goals.

I am very hard on myself and feel like a hypocrite most days telling you to be nice to yourself when I can be a horrible critic on the inside. I don't know if my Fat Girl Thinking will ever go away but after six years of trying to bury it I've decided it's time to hire a professional to help me! Hell, if I'll hire a trainer to make me look good, I should hire a therapist to make me feel good about it!

My other issue is that of guilt. I have hung onto a lot of mommy-guilt with Logan and his autism diagnosis. This has been a great year for us in his progress. It's unbelievable how "normal" he is! The issue with me is that I can't let go of my anxiety with him, enjoy him like I should, stop focusing on all we can do and just absorb some of the great things we have, and worst of all...that child grew in my belly. I can't help but feel like something I did or didn't do while pregnant and the first year of his little life when caused all of this. I was so unhealthy, tired, fat, and eating really bad.

I'm not looking for anyone to tell me it wasn't my fault or looking for pity. I'm just being honest with how I feel and why I need THERAPY! And there are other reasons to go but this blog could be days and days if I don't stop while I'm ahead. LOL

It's easy for me to use my whole world of eating, dieting, exercising, and body image as a crutch. When I was fat I did none of it and had the shame to focus on when other things in life were what needed my attention. Rather than dealing with my emotional issues I ate and focused on how bad I felt.

Now I am the opposite. When things get tough I get moving! I avoid the hard emotions and situations with exercise, being healthy, an event, or focusing on my body image. It's easier to be hard on my body than to confront people or things that need to change in my life. 

Luckily for me, I'm smart enough to quit moving down a non-productive path. Life is to be enjoyed. I remember a few years ago when I lost my weight how proud I was, each day was alive with opportunity, I challenged myself with races, and felt true pride and joy.

It's wasteful to wait for happiness to come back. What if it doesn't? How can it if there are things in your life that need to change? I'm a different person now with a different life. I'm older, had new life experiences, etc.

Just like losing physical weight it's time I start losing my emotional weight. It weighs more than my ass ever did! That's where the therapy will help me find my new path. 

I guess that's all I got. Not sure if it makes sense but it's honest. As with everything I will let you know what's going on. I'm pretty open and public with my life. I can say that just since making the decision to do this I have felt better. It gives me one day a week the Queen can unload her craziness on someone else! That's worth the co-pay! One of my best qualities is that there is no shame in my game. I don't mind being the slowest, the craziest, or the most brutally honest.