I am closing out the dieting process for my competitions and, like I have each year, I will wrap up what I learned. Each year it’s different and this time is no exception.
I always knew this but I really APPRECIATED it this year: My life is good. My husband is amazing and I when I say amazing I truly mean it. We have our moments, but there is no other person in the world I want to spend my time with more than that man. He is a great father, my best friend, and people who really know him understand how special he is.
Our son is our best blessing. Not to always bring things back to Chris, but our son is what made us the couple we are. He’s taught us how to come together as a team, how to appreciate each other more than other couples take the time to do, and without him I know Chris and I never would have learned how to balance life and work. 
When I compete I am out of balance. As much as I love the process it does take me away from what I love most: my family.
The first year I needed my figure competing to keep me sane. Logan was diagnosed with autism the same day I started dieting for my first show. It was the only thing I had that was MINE and the process kept me from losing my mind about Logan. I needed something so demanding to keep me from drowning in depression and worry.
The second year I had something to prove. It was after my big surgery to fix that loose skin being 110lbs overweight most of your life does to you. When I treated myself to that surgery FINALLY I wanted to see my new body! I got to see myself a way I never had before!
This last year has been completely different. I went into the 2010/2011 season starting in September of 10. Let me tell you, when you’ve lost 110lbs the last thing you EVER want to do is gain weight. The scariest thing I’ve ever done is purposely gain 25lbs in hopes to build a better body. But, I did it. I went from a size 4/6 to a size 10, weighed 170lbs at the end, and did it exercising and eating clean. Wasn’t a ho-ho party girls! I did it clean and I had loads of self-doubt.
Thoughts crept in like would I be able to diet all this weight off? I’m normal and paranoid just like you girls. 
The season started, the dieting started in February 11, I’ve worked hard (check my journal), and now I’m 21 days away from the last show. Turning on the competition diet was EASY and my fear went away. I already eat that food; I just got a little less of it. I never re-introduced my bad habits so turning on the “diet” was no big deal.
What I learned this time is so strange. I don’t need competing to be fit and healthy. This really is just my lifestyle. It’s easy to go out and make good choices, I love my vegetables, fast food is not a trigger at all, and I love exercise. It’s not going away just because there isn’t a deadline, show, or finish line. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be doing races and fitness camps. I love the life and I love doing events with friends! I just don’t know about competing anymore. It’s the hardest thing I ever do and I’ve had a baby, ran a marathon, taught myself how to do triathlons, and run or walked 20 half marathons. I definitely have an idea of what hard work looks and feels like.
I also learned that part of having a healthy lifestyle also means your mental health and fun health. My husband and I love date nights. We don’t do date night at the movies. We go dancing, we go to Vegas, we go OUT! I don’t want to watch him eat because I already had a treat meal or don’t get one this week, I don’t want to be the designated driver, and I don’t want to always skip ice cream with Logan because I’m getting ready for a show.
I’m not saying the food is what drives me and that I can’t just go out without drinking; I’m just saying for me it’s more fun when I get to participate to some degree. I’m one of the few competitors you’ll see who doesn’t have a bag of treats backstage anxiously awaiting tearing them open. I’m the girl who is so happy to be going out for a glass of wine and relaxing with good friends.
I am ready to embrace my self-acceptance; I haven’t always been ready. I never appreciated until lately what I was after this year. My first meeting with Tony for this year I said my goal was to look my best after the shows were over. I will never be a “competitive athlete” because I just don’t have the “it” factor like the winners do. Those girls have amazing bodies and they work so damn hard for them.
I wanted this whole process of gaining weight and then taking it off to help me get the body I dreamed about…not read about or seen pictures of. I had a “feeling” in my head about how I wanted to feel. You know, I have hit that already and losing more makes me a bit scared I will forget how much right now means to me. I feel strong, confident, sexy around my man, proud to be Logan’s mom, and content that I am in the place I can LIVE the life I want. But, I am sure I’ve got what it takes to handle this. A lesson learned.
I’ve won. It’s taken me six years of maintaining and working hard to find my happy place. The whole process I had to learn how to change; not just physical changes but mental changes. Over the years I’ve had to do several things to finally feel like I own my body.
- I had to quit being negative about me when I didn’t believe it. Fake it til you make it.
- I had to quit weighing daily and start really looking at ME. Until I quit letting the number define me I was never going to see myself. There would always be a number on my body.
- I had to binge, cry, fall off the wagon, and make mistakes so that I could learn I could get back up the next day.
- I had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Often I had to eat things I didn’t want, show up to classes or group training the least experienced, alone, and most out of shape, exercise harder than I my body felt like doing, or say things to myself I didn’t believe. If I didn’t start having new experiences I could never replace my old ones.
- Sometimes I had to let go of people in my life who I loved dearly but weren’t ready to support me. It was hard; some people came back and others did not.
- I had to be OK with losing people, things, or habits that always brought me comfort but didn’t bring me happiness.
And, most importantly, I had to be willing to find the messages my journey was sending me. What I thought was so important, I couldn’t live without, or just had to have changed as I pushed myself. I wouldn’t trade the person I am today for any trophy, pant size, number on the scale, or even dimple free thigh.
I spent years and years taking my failures as disappointments searching for the “why me?” The new Corinne goes into everything with eyes open for the lessons and I always find one even if it is not what I expect. Funny thing is this: what I learn about me is always much better than what I thought I wanted.