Talking with Chris this weekend I've decided to blog a little more on my daily life. My blog has always been a source of working out what goes on in my head WHILE helping other people see what it feels like to be a girl who had to lose 100+ pounds and keep it off.
After six years, maintenance is still so hard for me. My life is spent reading through weightloss journals, diets, workouts, etc., to help my clients lose weight. I also use my own life experience to help them so it's easy to get caught up in feeling like MY LIFE must be one giant diet. It never really occurred to me the influence my job has until the last few months.
Another tough aspect is a tangled body image for myself. I've privately on PNP struggled with what do I want to look like. The short of it is I have admired figure competitors and competed for four years now that I couldn't let go of a look I'm just not willing to maintain these days.
It's not that I am ready to gain a bunch of weight. Not at all. I just train and eat different now. My life is filled (happily) with half-marathons, Tough Mudders, and eating to compete rather than dieting for a specific look for a show. I can still look great but I'm just not going to have the specific look I admire.
Truth be told I miss the shows...I miss working hard for the stage because I enjoy that sport, but I don't miss dieting and sacrificing Vegas trips, date nights, Subway, and pancakes with my son just because we feel like it that night.
On our date night this week, Chris and I talked about all of this. The last few weekends I have not tracked my food and just ate more intune with my brain. I also ate things I don't eat Monday through Friday and had wine with my man. In my BRAIN I know it's fine. It's my emotional side that feels guilty or like if my girls see me enjoying my weekends then the whole site is going to be in a downward spiral.
I know from losing my weight that it takes TIGHT weekends to get the weight off. But I also know I did my time already and I deserve to enjoy myself on the weekends. Often, though, the girls do as they see without remembering they haven't earned their golden ticket just yet. I know I cannot keep living my life as a diet "model" but just coach them on how they should eat now and SHOW them how it works in life when you are done.
My Weekend...
On Friday, I took a day off from exercise because I had a huge active week and another 8 mile run Saturday morning (already did a 10-miler two days prior). The family stayed in and we ate our normal healthy stuff.
Saturday I fueled up for my 8 miles and was STARVING all day. I ATE on cue and kept it healthy. Knowing we were going out for a date night I didn't want to bust in like Kool-Aid Man to the restaurant and eat whatever was in front of me.
Before we went out at 7:00 pm I had some brussel sprouts and pork from my weekly meal plan. Well, I was full so we decided to go to our local bar and hang out. At 11:00 pm I had drank a good bit of wine, danced with my man, snapped our usual silly pictures for Facebook, and we were starved. We decided on Ruby Tuesday to-go since we had to beat the babysitter.
I ordered a Turkey Burger on dry whole wheat toast, a dry baked potato, and was going to have a salad. When we got there the salad bar had all of Logan's favorites and not many of my own so I decided I really would rather split a dessert than choke down salad at midnight. I made Logan a salad for lunch on Sunday and we got the Blondie! I'm just saying it is my all time favorite dessert in the world and when the Queen has dessert this is what she gets!
I ate every bit of my dinner and a few nibbles of fries off Chris' plate. Yep, I BLT, too! But, I gave Chris the ice cream from our dessert since it's not my favorite and I ate only 1/2 of the blondie. Let me say, that's a big win in my book. I am a clean plate club member and I can put down VOLUMES of food, y'all. I did eat past full but I can eat until miserable and I didn't. Baby, stinking-steps.
Sunday rolled in and I was TIRED (hungover). I made myself workout but just a lighter workout of some sculpting and 25 minute HIIT from Turbo Fire. I ate healthy but at lunch I really wanted the leftover blondie so I had it. Now, the win here is that normally I gulp food in front of the computer. I made myself sit at the table and ENJOY the dessert. If I'm going to eat 400 calories in dessert then I better ENJOY IT!
Later that day I did a great food prep (starting at 3:30 pm) that was wicked fast and then the boys wanted Ruby Tuesday. Honestly, we love going as a family once a week for family night and it almost always happens on Sunday. After cooking all day to post on Facebook, Logan playing, and Chris and I doing laundry we just want to relax at our favorite spot. We went and I had a big salad and pasta with marinara and chicken/shrimp mix. I also had a couple of Skinny Mojitos since Chris was driving.
We came home, messed around the house, put Logan in bed and watched Ice and Cocoa. It was fun and Chris has been teasing me all weekend because he thinks I'm his Cocoa. LOL. Can you tell which couple is which?
I guess I'm redefining the way I see Corinne. My desire to just be really lean and hard is waning a lot. My mind for months now has been focused on being sporty, having fun, and healthy. Sure I keep an eye on the scale and such, but I'm also starting to see that body image perfectionism does nothing but make me crazy.
I could never obtain the goals that my head has for me. It doesn't mean throw in the towel; just means my goals are WRONG. I'd love big, firm, muscular legs but my skin can't do that. I also love Tough Mudders and that DESPITE my skin on my legs, ARE strong and conditioned enough to leap and climb. That's a goal worth smiling about it and working hard for.
So, that's my weekend. Today I'm sure the scale is up a bit but I didn't weigh. It's not a reflection of my week. It will be back down by Wed or Thur when I do weigh. I'm back to my good foods, regular programming, and such. Every day can't be a weekend and to have a little more there I gotta have a little less now.
I'm honest in the fact that if I was to lose a few pounds I would smile but it's just got to be a byproduct of a good life. My goal is maintaining, having fun, being athletic, and happy accidents on the scale are always welcomed.
And, if my husband's words aren't enough, I saw this post from Scott Abel today. Timely and true.
Sad to think a 'perfect or ideal' body or its pursuit makes you “happy” - it doesn’t. It only makes you tired and exhausted from the pursuit, which makes you more unhappy and unsatisfied with yourself. No diet in the world or the results from it, will leave you feeling "good about yourself" if your default position in life is that you feel you are never good enough - no diet will deliver that kind of salvation to you - stop being in a place where you are only comfortable with life, by feeling bad about yourself within your living of it!
